Stage Two: Anger. All of my relish is gone. I NEED STIMULATION.

It's official. Everyone around me is back in school and the veil of post-grad reverie is slowly coming to an end. I'm honestly surprised it lasted this long. For the past month, I've basically been drinking, sitting around, and obliviously letting time slip away from me. It was odd because while I was enjoying being out of school, I never realized that those around me were just enjoying their winter break. The thought simply didn't occur to me.

Now, I'm slowly roundhouse kicking this post-grad "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE FOREVER?!" perspective, and adopting a more serious and practical approach. What do I actually want?

I asked myself today, "What do I think is the most important thing on this Earth?"
ANSWER: Education. I could talk endlessly about how important education is to understanding yourself, the world, society, ideas, beliefs, and to becoming a decent human being.

It's funny because I started my college career with the intention of becoming a high school English teacher. After my 11th grade English teacher Mrs. Tate showed me how wonderful teachers can be, how much they care, and fueled my passion for reading/writing, I decided it's what I wanted to do. Heck, I even won English 4 student of the year at my high school (this has nothing to do with anything I'm saying; I just wanted to brag for a second.)

But through a series of insecure thoughts, doubts, unfortunate life circumstances, lack of commitment, and simple dumb-assery, I gave up my aspiration. Rather than face the challenge, I quivered and cowered in fear because I wasn't mature enough to handle the challenge. I also did a great job at making up excuses as to why I didn't want to teach. Oh man, the best one was "I just like English way too much. I feel like it'd be more personally fulfilling for me that it would the students." DUMB. I think I'm ready for all of the intrinsic/extrinsic pleasure, BS, and grueling intensity that comes with being a teacher.

SELF ANALYSIS AND PERSPECTIVE EVALUATION: So, what I'm basically saying to myself is that I want to become a teacher. My current mentality with that as a potential goal really:
A). Uplifts my spirits
B). Taps into a reservoir of intellectual stimulation and drive
C). Seems normal and brings me joyful feelings

This of course would require me to go back to school, but at least this time around I would have a clear goal in mind that I want to achieve.

I believe this is why finding a job has been so difficult for me. I feel like just getting a regular ole job is a waste of my creativity, intellect, and passion. The simple thought of putting my mental effort into being a teacher gives me this unique energy I haven't felt in 3-4 years. What have I been doing?

I guess I'm what they refer to as "a late bloomer."

Since I have this whole "5 Stages of Grief" shtick going on, I might as well relate all of this to anger in some way. To be frank, I am angry it took me this long to come around and realize what's important. I will deal with my anger somehow (Punch dance out of my rage most likely.)

Hm. Well, tell me what you think, internet. TELL ME NOW.

Stage one: Denial. Just kidding, I'm not in denial. Or am I? Uhhhh. Weird.

Confessional poetry has always been a big creative release for me, so a blog detailing my personal experiences and feelings isn't a remote endeavor for me. Also, I'm bad at introductions.

Hello, welcome to the soul-searching uncertainty that is my life after graduating college. This is my first post of many so sit back, relax, and enjoy the mental joy ride into the mind of a well-meaning lad whose principled honesty will hopefully make for an interesting read.

Before I graduated, I had friends tell me that everything feels "weird" after graduating. "Weird?" I thought. How could graduating feel weird? It's such a vague word that could be applied to a number of feelings that are ineffable or incommunicable, but that's exactly how life after college feels--weird. I'm currently stuck between this bizarre realm of an immediate sense of urgency to find a job and a lax limbo where simply hanging out around my house and reading or watching Netflix feels comfortable. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to rush into the next stage or really relish in my new found freedom.

Questions that bug my subconscious and conscious mind:

When is the appropriate time to stop relishing?
Am I relishing enough?
Should I allocate equal time between relishing and finding a job?
Is it possible to relish while looking for a job?
Why is relish nowhere near as good as actual pickles?
Do people even like relish?

I feel like a smoker who has gone cold turkey.

I've been in school since I was 6 and now, within the blink of a 182, I'm asking myself, "What's My Age Again?" What does a normal 24-year-old do? Am I a normal 24-year-old? Do I want to be a normal 24-year-old?

I honestly didn't realize how hard it is to find a lucrative and intellectually stimulating job until I started searching. I think that may be a personal flaw of mine. Hoping that there is some perfect job out there that challenges my intellect in a way that is rewarding and isn't completely soul draining. This is such an odd transitional phase I'm currently experiencing. On one hand, I can't get a job writing anything because all of those jobs require experience that I cannot ascertain without first being hired. BUT! I have only searched for jobs in the Nashville area. Expanding my area of search to other states may open up other opportunities, but I haven't reached that point of consideration yet. I really, really want to live in Nashville, but I digress.

Right now, I'm basically as confused and lost as I figured I be. I'm trying really hard and combing through job listing sites like a school nurse looking for lice, but I still can't help but feel I'm rushing things. For example, I recently had a job interview with a company that turned out to be a pyramid scheme. We all know the useless knife pyramid scheme company Vector. You know, the guys who make you buy their knives at a cheaper price to then sell to strangers in awkward sales meetings (or so I've heard.) Well, this company whose name shall remain anonymous... just kidding, they're called Titan Elements, Inc.

DISCLAIMER: Do not get involved with this exploitative, greed driven group of monkey suit wearing sociopaths. They make outrageous promises and only look to use and abuse workers for their personal gain until they finally quit.

The job itself was paraded very ambiguously on Craigslist as an advertising job. Sounds like it could be legitimate, right? WRONG. The job itself consists of standing in a Sam's Club at a sample booth while egregiously trying to sell unintelligent "consumers" doofy shit they do not need. The guy who interviewed me not only:
A.) Talked and looked like a complete sociopath
B.) Gave off the prostitute raping, never leaves his waiter a tip vibe
C.) Was a complete dick

But, he was only those things. Needless to say, I passed on the job.

I'm a writer. It's what I do and that's that. But, there's this weird (there's that word again) sense of outside pressure I need to relinquish before I can really focus on this screenplay I'm writing. Writing this blog post has certainly been enlightening and fun. I think that's what I need right now; good ole-fashioned fun. I've spent the last 2-and-a-half years not having any fun, so I deserve a nice hiatus into debauchery and comfort zone shattering experiences. I need to simply stop worrying so much about finding a job that is everything I could possibly ever want out of a job. It's simply not feasible right now.

SELF-ADVICE: Calm down and just take the days as they come without any "I totally have my shit together" pretenses. It's unbecoming, anyways.

Adjusting to life after college takes more time than I figured. So, without further personal analysis and self-questioning, I'll leave you with a suggestion:

Watch the movie "Frances Ha" by Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig, especially if you're in my current position in life. It's very relatable.

I feel better already. Thanks internet audience.